Fall Down or Fly
by pinkcat4569
Summary: Jess struggles with the strain the ARC puts on her everyday life. (Not as heavy as it sounds!) Written as a secret Santa. Two prompts were used: Fall Down or Fly song by Lindi Ortega; inner struggles of character. I chose Jess Parker.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Fall Down or Fly

Author: Pinkcat4569

Rating: G

Character: Jess, slight Jess/Becker (not in a relationship)

Description: Jess struggles with the strain the ARC puts on her everyday life. (Not as heavy as it sounds!) Two prompts were used: Fall Down or Fly song by Lindi Ortega; inner struggles of character

Author Notes:Written For Secret Santa 2013 at Primeval Denial for Dreamer_98

Disclaimer: I don't own Primeval, the characters, the song Fall Down or Fly, or the lyrics. I write only for fun.

4774 words, not including song lyrics. Split into two parts. 2526 words, part one.

Lyrics from "Fall Down or Fly," by Lindi Ortega

"This is your life, you can fall down or fly, you can burn out or shine if you want. This is your life, you can live it or die, you can quit now or try if you want, but don't you give up."

Fall Down or Fly, part one

"And I told her, 'I just select the styles. I'm the buyer. It's your job to approve the prices and follow up on shipping.' After all, what's an assistant for?"

"Oh, Fiona," said the others, laughing and shaking their heads.

Jess and three of her friends were gathered at a small club. It had been so long since she joined them for a mates' night out.

'Since I've been able to,' she thought.

This time though she made it. She was finally relaxing and having a night away from the drama of the ARC. She sat, demurely sipping her cocktail. She looked at her friend Fiona, tall and breathtaking with dark black hair, cool gray eyes and the reddest lips even without lipstick.

She had been a model, and now, thanks to that experience she was a buyer for a large fashion boutique. No wonder Jess liked her.

"That dress is beautiful," Jess said suddenly.

Fiona basked in the attention. Glancing down at the metallic and purple dress that hugged her stately physique. Jess wanted it, so it was short of course.

"Is it from the boutique?"

"It will be," Fiona said with a blinding smile. "Sorry though ladies, it won't be for sale until next season."

"Boo!" cried Jess.

The others threw pretzels and popcorn at Fiona. She just giggled and ducked. "Perks of the profession!"

Jess frowned. 'I should have gone into Fashion,' she thought. 'My only job perks are access to prehistoric or future animals.'

Fiona went back to her complaining. "Lack of communication," she said. "There just isn't any in the office! I mean, I tell the assistants one thing and then others don't follow through. How do we continue to dress London fashionably with no communication?"

Jess giggled out loud. Communication problems? She dealt with them every second of the day it seemed and no offense to Fiona, but her friend had no clue what serious communication problems were.

Take last Monday. Becker and the team were chasing some future type of beaver mutant. The things had adapted their fierce chewing ability to carnivorous life. They were leaner and ran bloody fast.

Jess was trying to keep all five members of the team safe and alert, which was hard because the Beaver buggers were hard to keep track of. Suddenly Becker and Abby disappeared from her screen.

Panic hit. She didn't have time to give in to it though. She had to keep the other three alive. She directed them to the anomaly, verified the position of each and every beaver, and then directed backup teams in.

All while trying not to think about the fates of her best friend and the guy she crushed on horribly.

Thankfully, the two black boxes blinked back to life in the middle of her multi-tasking.

This all led to another issue she had with the ARC: no time to celebrate. She wanted to hug Abby and kiss the heck out of Becker, but they downplayed the whole incident. Plus she was still busy coordinating the mop up, updating the creature files, creating a story to explain the whole thing, and updating Lester.

Then of course she had to pick up his dry cleaning, re-order his scotch, and call his wife to apologize for missing Opera night.

"Don't get me started on the stupid memos," said Fiona, snapping Jess back from her memories.

"Memos totally suck! I hate them so much!" cried Ling Li. She was about Jess' height, and since she was Asian she had light, smooth skin. She wore her dark hair short, cut at sharp angles. "Mum insists on them. She refuses to live in this century too. If she'd send emails I could just delete the stupid things."

"Why does a restaurant need memos?" asked the third friend, a stunning red-head named Shandi. She wasn't as done up as the rest. She wore more casual clothes and her hair in a braid down her back.

"Don't ask me," said Ling Li. "I guess it's one way a tyrant asserts control."

Jess giggled. "Shame on you. So what do you do with them?"

Ling Li grinned. "I wad them up and play bin ball when I'm bored." She smirked. "I guess I don't hate them completely."

Jess giggled. "I wish I could do that. My boss has a great view of my station from his office unfortunately. He spends too many of his oversized words making his memos. He'd freak if I threw them out in front of him."

"You poor thing!" cried Ling Li. "You have to vent!"

Fiona eyed Jess. "Your boss, he's not a pervert, is he?"

Jess spit out her mouthful. They all 'ewed' and giggled. "Sorry!" she cried, mopping her mouth. "No, he's not!"

"Good, because some bosses have too great a view," Fiona said.

"Is the boutique owner still chasing you?" asked Shandi.

"Yes. I'm running out of excuses. He just doesn't get that I'm not interested! I really love this job too," she said, absently posing in her free dress.

"Is that why you do all his errands?" asked Ling Li.

"Obviously. That man has me doing more things that aren't in my job description than are!"

"Oh, my gosh! My boss does too!" cried Jess. "I run to the cleaners so much they know my name!"

Fiona raised her glass and they pity-toasted each other. "I don't know what exactly you do, though," she said, sipping, "but it can't be worse than my boss."

Jess stopped laughing. She sighed. Fiona could be a drama diva.

"Every food truck vender in the district knows me by sight!" cried the ex-model.

They all laughed. Jess smiled politely.

"I swear I run to the post daily. I'm like, can't you handle that online or something? Ever hear of email?"

Jess giggled slightly.

"And I swear, if I have to go to one more cigar shop for those smelly things, he's going to get a whole bucket of nicotine gum for Christmas!"

Jess had to laugh at that. Though, she was annoyed. Fiona thought she had it bad. Jess ran as many errands if not more for Lester. Actually, he wasn't a bad boss at all. He certainly loved to shout and 'fire' her. She found it all funny. She swore he was absolutely addicted to sarcasm.

It was the other 'bosses,' she had major problems with: government types, military brass, and other snooty people. Last month they had an incursion of prehistoric insects at a Government sponsored conservationist park. The headaches for Jess were huge. Lester was on her back because the park's board of trustees, several ministers, and a load of conservationists were all on his back.

She'd gone through no less than twelve chocolate bars that day.

Jess looked at Fiona. She bit her tongue. It took all her strength not to say, "Try handling about twenty bosses all at once, Fiona, and then we'll talk." Instead, she just smiled.

"At least he's not your mum," said Ling Li, causing Fiona to spew.

"Thankfully!"

They all giggled.

"I can't do anything right!" cried Ling Li, "She's way harder on me than anyone else in the restaurant!"

"Of course, you're her baby. She expects more out of you," said Shandi.

"It's not fair," said Ling Li, "and there is just no pleasing her. I should quit. Really. I have no time away from the woman! She knows everything I do, everyone I talk to. She's with me all the time. It's like...I have no life, no secrets from her. I hate it!"

They were all silent.

Jess felt awful, but...she envied Ling Li, in a way. Jess' family had no idea what she did for a living. If they did, they'd worry constantly. Her father would probably forbid her to ever step foot in the ARC again. Her mum would just cry. Lord, if they knew the number of times she nearly died!

Jess shuddered. She wished she had no secrets. She wished her mum could chat with her about Becker, try to help her figure him out.

Jess chuckled sadly at the thought. 'Not even mum could figure him out.'

"I'm sorry," said Ling Li, nearly crying. "She just makes me so mad! Sometimes I feel like...I hate her." Tears started to come.

Jess fought them too. Would her family hate her? When and if they found out about the ARC and her...secrets, what would they think?

"She's amazing. She's kept the restaurant going by herself. Most of her family is in another country. She deserves better. I'm an awful daughter."

Jess wiped a tear. She felt guilty for wishing her family knew how dangerous her job at the ARC was so they could comfort her.

"Don't be silly, L.L," said Fiona, putting an arm around her and pulling her into a hug. "You're fab."

Shandi nodded. "You're being too hard on yourself. It's not easy to work with family."

Jess smiled, pushing back tears. "Right, absolutely." She felt more guilt at thinking, 'you should be grateful she's such a large part of your life.' Then she stopped. "Family is never easy. Never."

Ling Li smiled back and nodded. "Sorry to get us all so depressed."

"No," said Fiona, "It's girl's night. We have to talk about things that bother us."

They all nodded. Jess took a bigger sip. She didn't have that luxury.

Shandi took a big gulp of her drink.

"Uh-oh," said Fiona. "What's up?"

Shandi smiled uncomfortably. "Nothing."

They all exchanged glances.

"No you don't," said Fiona. "Out with it."

"It's too depressing."

Jess smiled sadly. She took Shandi's hand. "If you can talk about it, and it might make you feel better, than you should."

Shandi smiled gratefully.

"Besides we're getting drunk. We can take it," said Fiona.

"Well.." began Shandi. "It's Ollie. He's always on my case. I spend too much time at work. I never cook anymore. I get home too late. I miss too many of the kids' functions. Argh!"

Jess looked at her with sympathy. "It's hard. I mean, I'm not married of course, and I don't have kids but...life...is hard. "

Shandi nodded. "I know I don't spend enough time at home, but it isn't my idea! I have to work, don't I?"

Jess nodded. She understood. Some days she didn't get home til the next day. Personal time? Forget it. She didn't have time to read a trashy romance novel let alone go on a date. She might never have someone in her life.

Shandi cried a little. "I love him. I do. Of course I love the kids. There is nothing more important to me than them. Ollie makes me feel like a bad mum."

Jess was blinking back tears, not just for Shandi but for herself and the life she didn't have. Shandi's life, even with the trouble, looked good in comparison.

"What am I supposed to do?" asked Shandi. "I don't want to quit. Besides we can't afford it. We're barely managing on two of us working." She wiped her eyes. "I don't want to...break up. I want us all together. I can't bare the thought of the kids and...divorce."

Jess held Shandi's hand as she sobbed. Ling Li was still. Even Fiona had nothing to say.

Jess said softly, "I'm so sorry, Shandi."

She sympathized. She thought of the whole mess with New Dawn that nearly tore Abby and Connor apart. It was heart wrenching to watch.

They got through it though. They were getting married. Watching them make up, the smiles, the hand holding, the kisses. It made her ache with envy. She felt so jealous when Emily and Matt stole moments brazenly at work, ignoring Lester's cries of employee fraternization.

Not having a relationship made her want one even more. She sighed. Becker tried to keep his distance, but sometimes she was certain he cared for her, and more than just as a friend. Then he would pull away.

Maybe it was for the best, she thought, looking at Shandi's tears.

Everyone was somber. Ling Li patted her back. Fiona said men were jerks and ordered her another shot.

Finally Shandi stopped crying. She took the new drink and drank it down. "I warned you," she said with a chuckle.

"We weren't much help," said Jess.

"No, you were. You listened. I needed that. You can't fix my life. No one can but me."

The others nodded.

'We all have problems,' thought Jess. Of course, not everyone's problems consisted of things that could eat you in one bite.

Now Fiona was talking about jerk co-workers. "Then there's the new girl. I swear she's after my job."

The others chuckled.

"You always think that," said Ling Li.

"I am the best."

Jess giggled. OK, yes she was confident about her abilities too, but Fiona took things to the extreme.

"She's always watching me. I come back and she's by my computer, looking at the screen."

Jess giggled. "Fiona! If I got mad every time someone looked at my computer screens I'd be angry every second of the day!"

The others laughed. They knew Jess was in the computer sciences.

"She has no business looking, Jess! Besides, it's always when I'm looking at designs. She doesn't know what to order so she's trying to steal my brilliance!"

"Fiona, you're a fashion buyer," said Shandi. "Aren't you always looking at designs?"

Ling Li choked on a sip while Jess laughed.

"I'm serious! I'm tempted to put in a fake order for a bunch of ugly outfits to see if the little hussy copies me."

They burst out laughing.

"You would!" cried Ling Li. "Wouldn't you?"

"You bet I would! Except I have a rep to protect. What if it got out somehow? What if whoever sold the hideous thing logged my time on their site and noticed my interest in that horrible design? They can do that, right, Jess?"

"Sure, but so what?"

"So what? Jeez, Jess! So a lot of things: they could bombard my email with dozens of other hideous designs. Or let other designers know I liked it. They'd send me hideous things or worse: they'd think I lost my stellar taste and stop contacting me completely!"

The table all laughed.

"You're some support!"

"We're...sorry," said Ling Li, laughing.

"You lot just don't understand the pressures of my job."

Jess had her mouth covered, giggling. "No, obviously we don't."

"You're just lucky no one is after your job, Jess. It's too nerdy."

"Fiona, Jess works in some secret government thing," said Shandi, "You don't know what her job is."

"None of us do," said Ling Li.

Fiona huffed. "It can't be very exotic. It's computer related."

Jess giggled. "You're right and it's not. I just...sit all day, watching monitors." She smiled innocently.

End of Part One


	2. Chapter 2

Fall Down or Fly, Part Two. 2250 Words

Part Two, Fall Down or Fly

Jess was thinking, 'unless here is an open time portal that's coughing up killing monsters from the past or future. In that case, I have to dispatch people to chase the monsters and round them up, pushing them back into the time portal. Hopefully, that all happens without getting anyone killed. I've even gone into the field on occasion. Oh, once I defused a bomb, a real bomb Fiona, not a fashion bomb. Yep, it's not exotic at all.'

Jess continued to smile, saying nothing. Fiona watched her. She smiled smugly. "I meant no offense."

"I know, Fi. It's fine."

"No job insecurity, then?" asked Shandi.

"Of course, not," said Ling Li. "She's always working! You're so overworked, Jess."

Both Shandi and Fiona nodded.

"I am!" she cried, laughing. "I have excellent support staff, but," and she looked at Fi, "I am the best."

Ling Li and Shandi giggled. Fiona rolled her eyes. Jess giggled too, taking a sip.

"I'm glad you work in a such a boring place," said Fiona. "In fact, it's so boring that they don't advertise it." She took a deep drink.

"As long as Jess is happy," said Ling Li with a smile.

Jess smiled awkwardly.

"What was that look?" asked Shandi.

"What look?" asked Jess.

"Jess. Is something wrong at work?" asked the red head.

"No. Of course not. I'm just...constantly working. That's all."

"Uh, huh," said Fiona. "We don't buy it. Dish."

Jess sighed. What could she say?

The job wasn't perfect. There was the killing. The creatures. The mad, crazy people bent on destruction. The dangerous diseases. The constant danger. The knowledge that one little mistake literally could mean the difference between life and death.

There were her co-workers, people she cared and feared for. Sometimes she wondered if she was looking at them for the very last time.

There was Becker. That man drove her crazy. She wasn't sure exactly what she felt for him. Even worse, she was totally confused. What did he feel for her?

There were times when she wondered why on earth she ever stepped foot back into that place.

Her friends stared at her. She smiled sadly. "No, there's nothing."

They all groaned.

"You're not playing by the rules," Fiona said. "We've all shared our problems. It's your turn."

Jess sighed. She knew Fi well enough to know that she'd never let it go. Jess had to give them something.

There was a small problem, but compared to the laundry list of real problems, it seemed stupid. She laughed inwardly. It was perfect for mates' night.

"Fine. It's kind of silly, but...there are a couple people, just a couple, and they aren't really co-workers. I don't see them often, just sometimes in the halls or canteen. They..." she paused, sighing. "Sometimes they say snide things."

"What about, Jess?" asked Shandi with concern.

"Oh...you know...about my skirts...or...um...they wonder, a bit crudely, about how I got my position."

"Jess, that's terrible!" cried Shandi.

"Yes, it is," said Ling Li.

"I just ignore them. It kind of hurts though."

"Don't let it. They're just jealous," said Fiona. "You're sweet and capable and hot, so they can't stand it."

Jess giggled, suddenly remembering why Fiona was her friend. "Thanks, and you're right."

"Obviously," said Fiona.

"You should complain," said Ling Li.

"Absolutely, you should," said Shandi. "You don't have to take that garbage."

Jess sighed. "I know. I know. I can handle it though. They can't do anything to me."

"That's why they say those stupid things," said Ling Li. "Cause they can't bother you any other way."

"I know."

"Would your boss do anything?" asked Fiona.

"I'm sure he would," Jess said. "It just seems so...petty. I don't want him or anyone thinking I'm too young and silly to take care of myself. Or that I'm so immature that it actually bothers me."

"But it does," said Shandi.

"Not that much."

"You have a security force at work, right?" asked Ling Li. "Tell them."

Jess scoffed, choking on her drink. They all looked at her. Fiona's eyebrow rose.

'Oh, God!' thought Jess, 'Becker would mangle them all! Probably not the two women; he was too much of a gentleman, but he might scare them.' She giggled and blushed fiercely. "Maybe I should."

"Definitely," said Ling Li, with Shandi nodding.

Fiona, though, looked at her with a steady gaze. "You're still hot for him."

Jess' mouth dropped open. "Uh..."

"You are. It's the same guy you always barely mention. He's head of security or something, right? All we know for sure is he's hot, a bit dumb, and he obviously makes your blood drain to your...private areas."

"Fi!"

The other two friends giggled as Jess, red and embarrassed glared down Fiona, who was brazen and buzzed.

"Do something about it, Jess!" yelled the fashion diva.

"I don't...know what you mean."

Fiona growled. "You like him, don't you?"

Jess didn't answer.

"Does he like you?"

Jess sunk in her seat.

"Do you even know?"

"Fi, maybe you should back off," suggested Shandi.

"No. I'm sick of hearing about this guy...barely hearing. God, Jess, make a move or get over him!"

Jess frowned. She was getting angry. "It isn't that simple."

Fiona rolled her eyes. "Only because you make it complicated."

"You don't understand. You don't know..."

Jess stopped. Fiona was right. She wouldn't tell Becker about the snide comments. She certainly wouldn't tell him straight out that she liked him. She wouldn't confront him about any feelings he had.

She couldn't it. It wasn't just a simple matter of does he or doesn't he like me. It wasn't just Jess' shyness or fear that he'd reject her. It was much more complicated.

Becker had...issues. He was consumed with guilt and the need to protect everyone. He had their lives in his hands. How could she bother him with something so trivial as people being mean to her?

She sighed. They never really...talked. They didn't have time. They...flirted, she thought. He took time to bring her chocolate. But as far as deep talks? She scoffed. Becker didn't get deep with anyone.

And maybe that's all she was to him: anyone. Maybe she wasn't special. Maybe he was just polite. Or maybe the extra attention she seemed to get was really over-protectiveness because he thought she was young and helpless.

Jess felt tears, but stubbornly refused to let them fall. She stared Fiona right back in the eye. "I can't talk about it."

Fiona growled. "Typical."

Jess snapped. "I don't want to talk about it! I'm sorry you're 'sick of hearing about him,' which isn't true! I don't talk about him or anyone or anything. I can't! You're all so lucky you can vent, well, I can't!"

She stood up, glaring at them all. Fiona glared back, Ling Li looked around uncomfortably, and Shandi looked at Jess with sympathy.

Then Jess burst into tears and ran into the ladies' room.

She grumbled when she got inside. "I knew it was a mistake to come. I knew I couldn't be normal. I can't have friends or family or...Becker."

She stood in front of the mirror, crying. The door opened and Shandi walked in.

"You OK?"

Jess nodded, sucking in sobs. "I'm so sorry."

"No, don't," said Shandi, hugging her. "We all have stuff. You're right, you can't talk about it."

Jess shook her head.

"Are you OK, though? I mean, Jess, is it too much, the pressure of the job?"

Jess looked up at Shandi and sighed. "Sometimes."

Shandi nodded. "Have you thought...about leaving?"

Jess sighed again and sobbed lightly. "I have. Sometimes I really want to." She hung her head.

"It's OK, honey."

"No, it isn't. I'm weak."

Shandi laughed slightly. "You're kidding, right? Let's just take a serious look at you, huh? You do your job and it's obviously hard on you. You stand up to Fi more than anyone. Maybe you take lip from idiots about your skirts but you don't stop wearing them. And if you like some bloke, even a thick one, you hang in there until you're sure he isn't worth it."

Jess laughed. "Are you sure that's me you're talking about?"

Shandi laughed, putting her arm around her. "You know it is."

Jess chuckled, wiping tears. "I don't really feel like I do, but..." she looked at her reflection and took a deep breath. "Yeah, I do know. It's me."

Shandi nodded. "Jess, if the job makes you unhappy..."

"It does. Sometimes." She thought of losing an innocent or an ARC member. She thought about the constant worry. She thought about the long hours, the horrible things she witnessed, the fear for her own life.

"You can leave," Shandi said.

Instantly Jess shook her head. She thought about the times they saved people, the times the teams came back unharmed, the looks of gratitude on faces, the times creatures were returned through the anomalies without harming anyone, the times Becker said she was brilliant.

She smiled and blushed. She sighed, this time with a little laugh. "I can't leave, Shandi. I...don't want to."

"Are you sure?"

Jess laughed louder. "No."

Shandi laughed too. "It's important to you, isn't it, this job?"

Jess nodded. "It's important period, and I can't let someone else do it. I can't pretend I don't know what's going on."

Shandi wrinkled her brow.

"Forget it, I can't say more."

Shandi chuckled, nodding. "I'm not asking for more. I'm not sure I want to know."

Jess didn't say "you don't." She just kept quiet.

"I'm not saying you should quit, Jess. I just...well, I care."

Jess laughed and hugged her tight. "I know you do. Thank you."

Shandi smiled. "And about this guy...is he worth it?"

Jess blushed and nodded.

"Then don't you give up, no matter how long it takes for him to get a clue."

Jess giggled. "I won't. You...don't give up either, not on Ollie or the kids."

Shandi sighed but smiled. "No, I won't. I can't either."

They smiled. Jess said, "But my...guy? He better smarten up soon."

Shandi laughed. "You could think like Fiona. Do something bold."

"I could," said Jess, biting her lip. "I might."

Shandi laughed. "Just remember Fiona goes too far, like tonight. She loves you too, you know."

"Yeah, I know. She's just a diva."

"She certainly is." They giggled.

Jess reapplied her makeup and Shandi fixed her hair for her. Then they rejoined the others.

"Jess, are you OK?"

"Yes, Ling Li, thanks," said Jess, sitting back down. "I'm sorry I got upset."

Fiona frowned. "No. I shouldn't have pushed. I sometimes forget the world isn't full of Fionas."

They giggled.

"Thankfully," said Ling Li.

Fiona laughed and nodded. "I do hate to be copied."

Jess burst out giggling. "Yeah, like your co-worker will soon discover."

"Oh, she will. I promise."

They all laughed. Then Jess' phone pinged. The others looked at each other. Jess read the message and sighed. "I'm so sorry, guys."

They groaned.

"Your job is the pits!" cried Fiona. "I know! You have some fashion sense, Jess. I'll get you a job with me!"

Ling Li and Shandi spit out their drinks.

Jess stared incredulously at Fiona. "Are you insane?" she asked with a chuckle. "I don't want to work with you!"

The other two laughed loudly. "You're kind of rough on co-workers, Fi," said Shandi.

Ling Li nodded. "You'd lose a good friend."

"You would," said Jess, going around and hugging each of them. "You don't need the competition. I have more than 'some' fashion sense, Fiona." She looked at her with a teasing smile. "Be good."

Fiona laughed. "No. I'm not on the job or at home with the folks, so why would I?" she asked with a smirk.

Jess laughed, shaking her head. "See you guys later, take care," she said.

"You too," said Ling Li.

"Be careful," called Shandi.

Fiona scoffed. "Jess? She's always careful. Why would you say that?"

Shandi watched the young woman leave. "I have a feeling that Jess has more on her plate than any of us can imagine."

Outside, Jess called the ARC. "What have we got?"

"Hey, Jess. Sorry to ruin your night."

She smiled, blushing all over. "It's OK, Becker. I don't want you going into a situation without me watching over you." She closed her eyes, cursing herself. "I mean, you and the team, obviously."

Becker chuckled. "Yeah. I don't want that either. Ever."

She smiled. "What's up?"

"Multiple anomalies, several incursions, two teams engaged with casualties..."

She groaned, a tight ball forming in the pit of her stomach. "I'll be right there. Are you moving out soon?"

"Right now. Lucky I caught you."

"Be careful, Becker. Please."

"I will. Get here quick, huh? I feel better when you're at the ADD."

She laughed. "As quick as possible, Becker."

"Again, I'm sorry about your plans."

"Don't be, Becker. This is my life. I wouldn't have it any other way." She pulled out of the club lot and drove as fast as legally possible to the ARC.

The End


End file.
